10 Common Mistakes Beginner Gentle Parents Make (And Why They're Normal)
Here are ten of the most common mistakes beginner Gentle Parents make(And why they're normal)
Every new journey can feel overwhelming at first. Gentle Parenting comes with a set of new challenges plus a ton of information out there. What is good? What is not? You're reading a lot of opinions. Some are pro Gentle Parenting and some see the flaws in this approach. If you decided to give it a go and you're feeling confused, don't worry. You are not alone. We all were confused in the beginning.
This article is not a list of mistakes that you should feel guilty about. It's a map for orientation on your journey. These are the most common mistakes we see but we think that they are part of the learning process.
1. Expecting immediate results
Immediate changes in your child are rare. However we are more and more the product of a culture that makes us crave for immediate results, fast validation and quick confirmation. We want it to work. Now! However, when it comes to parenting in general and Gentle Parenting in particular it is all about the process, children need time, the first change it is within the adult and safety is to be built slowly. The first changes will be subtle so patience and perseverance have to always be the path and remember to work on relations before working on the behavior.
2. Not prioritizing connection over techniques
You are always looking for the best method in everything you do. You want clear instructions on what to do and you feel lost if you don't have a set of clear rules. It is normal to want structure and logic and techniques definitely can help but none of these can replace a strong relationship. Your child will likely respond in a better way to a relationship built on empathy, trust and connection instead of methods, correction, punishment and ultimately stress.
3. Trying to be calm all the time
If you think that Gentle Parents are calm all the time and you see them almost like Zen Buddhist like figures that raise their children in a picturesque setting out of a Miyazaki movie then you might suffer a disappointment. You might be confused about what calm really means. Calm doesn't mean that you lack emotions, that you won't get frustrated or even angry. Big feelings and emotions will come your way and what it really matters is how you will be able to handle them when they show up. Self-regulating is to be learned, not imposed. So... don't freak out if you lose your temper every now and then. Just say that you're sorry. If children see you owning your mistakes and correcting them they will be more inclined to do so themselves.
4. Punish yourself for every mistake
When you carry guilt you're only uselessly punishing yourself. Feeling guilty won't make you a better parent. Guilt should only have the lifespan of the short moment it takes for you to become a better mother or father. You might fail on your journey if you impose yourself unrealistic standards, if you compare yourself to others and if you accept social pressure. You need to understand that mistakes are a source of information and experience. Your children don't need you to be perfect; they need you to be gentle to yourself and to them. Being aware of your flaws is already a big step.
5. Being too permissive
It is easy to confuse being a gentle parent with being a permissive one. That is a general misconception about Gentle Parenting. Being gentle doesn't mean you don't provide rules or limitations. Children don't feel secure without them. Don't hesitate to set clear limitations and boundaries and remember that respect has to go both ways. Always offer and request respect. Be a leader to be looked upon and copied rather than be feared.
6. Ignoring your own emotional needs
Parenting is hard as it is and in Gentle Parenting there is a tendency to focus exclusively on the child's needs and ignore yours. Lots of parents do it and it can lead to exhaustion and self-neglect. You have the right to feel tired, sad, overwhelmed and therefore ask for breaks, take time for self-care and for nurturing yourself. If you're constantly sacrificing yourself it can feel heroic but that doesn't mean it is a good lesson for your little ones. The way you treat yourself is the way that they will treat themselves later in life. Taking care of yourself too is part of any good parenting.
7. Comparing yourself to other parents
That is a big NO. And we really mean it. Don't do it. If you look on social media, you will find stories of success and images of the perfect parent, but the stories are incomplete, the perfect parent doesn't exist and social media is a tool that can be both useful and deceiving. People on social media tend rarely to show you their process but rather sell you their success story. Although comparing yourself to others is human and might be rooted in our ability to learn and make progress, comparing yourself to what you perceive as "successful parents" can set the wrong standards, lead to the wrong expectations and make your journey more difficult than it already is. Every family has its own pace. The race is long, but in the end it's with yourself.
8. Asking your child to self-regulate too early
Partially understood information can lead to setting expectations that are too high. Take your time to read, search and research, ask and talk about self-regulation, co-regulation and gentle parenting in general. Once you think you know enough start working towards results but don't rush. Self-regulating is a process that requires time and patience and co-regulating is the key. The presence of the calm and supportive adult can lead to "borrowed calm" and help children self-regulate through coaching and modeling of positive behavior.
9. Fixing emotions over allowing them
Emotions are not easy whether they are our own or we witness them in others. Big emotions can bring us discomfort and trigger the need to fix them. Many of us were brought up being taught that feelings make us weak and that has become a learned pattern. That is part of our Generational Wounds that we need to fix. This is something we explored deeply in our 30 days guide to Gentle Parenting review. Wounds we fix, emotions we let live. Emotions are not problems or issues. They are messages to us. We need to let emotions live and consume themselves and not jump right into fixing them. Sure we offer reassuring and empathy to our child but emotions are meant to be. If we stop a tantrum we might only pause it and when it will come back it will be even bigger.
10. Forgetting that Gentle Parenting is a long process
When you are tired, you see no results or lack validation to you efforts you might feel that you have failed. It is hard to see the every day progress, deep change is coming slow but what you build now will matter later. The most important thing that you will take from this journey is a beautiful, strong relationship with your children that will be based on empathy and respect.
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If you recognized yourself in one of those mistakes it doesn't mean you are doing something wrong, it means you're learning. If you want to receive a full guide on how to find your way through those mistakes without guilt or burnout please subscribe to our newsletter here. The guide is free and you will get more Gentle Parenting tips, ideas and "remember to" advice every week.
In the end we, at the Gentle Parenting Lab, want you to remember this: You will try and you will fail, later you will succeed and then fail again but in the end, with gentleness, love and calm you might find yourself transformed and in the middle of a happy, calm and loving family.
Be Gentle, Give Love, Stay Calm!
